Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Anasthesia anyone?

One of my many, many favorite past times as a mother to two small naughty adventurous boys are a visit to the dentist.
I love these visits so much, I decided to wish upon my fairy godmother that Jayden would have horrible teeth so we could go more than twice a year and spend a weekend’s trip to Vegas on dental repair. Yes, that sounds delightful. WISH GRANTED.
Jayden has already had two crowns, so once we paid those pups off, he followed up that showing with 6 cavities!  SCORE. Because he has so many, Mr. Dentist declares sedation for an easier day. Yes to easier! We made the appointment on the once a month day they decide to do sedation.
I’m not sure what is worse, taking the baby Casey in, who doesn’t really know what’s happening. They shove a bowl full of awesome toys in his face and when he’s not looking jam a needle in his thigh…to this day Casey won’t just reach in for a toy ANYWHERE.
Or Jayden, who is old enough to know there will be a shot, and old enough to attempt to be a tough guy but still young enough to be scared out of his mind of what’s about to happen. I think we’ll call it a draw and say they both suck.
Jayden’s decided today he’d like to know everything that will happen.
When and how and just where will they give the shot Mom? How big is the needle? Does everyone get the same needle? Can they just give the shot over his pants, which might not hurt as bad?
The woman who administers the ‘medicine’ comes out and goes over Jayden’s health history, I can see the shot in her front pocket and I assume she’s going for the sneak attack. Oh, yes, here comes the lady with the ‘toy’ basket, her accomplice. I quickly explain to her that Jayden would like to know everything they’re going to do and would do better if she included him in the conversation. She takes the cue and directs her attention to Jade. She explains what and how this will happen.
He seemed to mellow a little bit, but not much. The nurse tells Jayden they are going to put a needle in his thigh. That it will sting a lot, but just for a minute, then he’ll get real dizzy and when it’s all done he won’t remember a thing!
To his credit, he did do awesome. A little yelp at first and then he was fine. We sat on the couch for a few minutes and I talked to him while the curtain of medicine took over his little brain. No matter how many times we do this, it never gets easier to watch the light dim from your child’s eyes. To know right about the point where they leave consciousness and enter la la land. He had one single tear run down his cheek as he lay in my lap lifeless.
They took him away and started their work, about 90 minutes later I got to go back and sit with him. He took a little longer to come too, and as usual I recorded the events for future pleasure. I noticed it took him awhile longer than Casey to really ‘come too’. While still working to wake up, he decides he needs to pee. Um, what to do about that?
Turns out, you carry your 50 lb. dead weight child to the bathroom. While holding said dead weight, you maneuver him over the toilet seat like a drunk skunk. As a girl, I’m understandably confused on how to ‘operate’ his unit for the peeing, I did notice it sticking straight out and dead aim for said mother holding said dead weight over the toilet. Is it inappropriate to push down your child’s ‘unit’ into the toilet to avoid being peed on? I think not. Comfortable? Absolutely NOT. Amazingly enough, Jayden’s 7 year old bladder holds more pee than mine working a 12 hr. shift and only peeing once. That stream lasted f-o-r-e-v-e-r.
Once we’re done with that, I carry him back to the bean bag to continue the process of him waking up. He had funny lines like,
‘Mom, why do you have four eyes?’
‘Mom, there’s a dot on the ceiling’
‘I hate the Dentist’
‘I’m dizzy!’
I must say, Casey’s was a bit funnier, earlier this year when he had dental work. I put him in the back seat of the car and he moaned ‘oohhhhh, I’m a zommbiiieeeeeeee’. To this day, puts a smile on my face.
Sorry. Back to Jayden.
We wait awhile longer and I decide I could be waiting at home instead of the office so I scooped up the dizzy boy and loaded him into the back seat of the car.
‘Mom, is this a dream?’
‘No dear, it’s a nightmare.’
We get home and since I’m home during a weekday, I’m taking advantage of every second. Getting laundry done, replacing my Comcast router, pest people come to spray, etc. I run down stairs to plug in the router and figure he’ll just lie in my bed. Wrong. I come back upstairs and no Jayden.
Thinking maybe he went to bathroom, I yell ‘Jayden!’ No answer.
A slight bit of panic starts over me, so I walk through the house…
Just as I’m about to head out the front door, here comes Loopy Larry through the front door hiccupping.
‘Hi..hiccup Mom! Just outside looooooooooookkkennnn for the beeeeeessssssssss.’
OMG. Bees? Really?
As I’m having an argument with an almost comatose person about why we should STAY in bed, I get the patient back in bed. I decide he probably needs some food to help the process along.
Just as I’m about to go from the kitchen back into the bedroom, here comes the patient from psych ward II with blood stains on his lip…what the…
‘Look Mom! I can’t feel my mouth, so I pulled my tooth out!’ (see picture above)
He’s holding out loud and proud the non-loose tooth which has been extracted by my 7 year old. Is it horrible after my initial shock that he’s actually done this; Was it one they just put a filling in?
I’m happy to report that the patient did come back to life and that although this story resembles a close similarity to the movie The Hangover, there were no animals injured and no permanent tattoos given during the events that took place.
I ensure you that these are all facts, how I wish this was a fiction blog.
Wine, anyone?
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