Friday, August 10, 2012

Butter Face

You know how just about every person has that one thing with their bodies they just can't stand? How no matter what they do, it doesn't seem to ever look how they want it too? For some it's their mid-section, I think we've all had the ever glorious 'muffin top'. Maybe it's the thunder thighs that never seem to shrink. Some people hate their hands or their toes, some struggle with their hair. This list could go on and on.

Though I feel like I've experienced all those things, the one area that has never been up to par and has given me serious emotional and physical scarring is my face. Ever heard the phrase 'Butter Face'? Definition 'Everything on that girl looks good, BUT HER FACE. Yes, that is me. Every time I look in the mirror all I see is an ocean of pimples, bumps, redness, blackheads, ACNE.

Growing up, I had the normal teenager pimples but nothing like what I've experienced from about my early twenties and still experiencing today. I mean, I'm 31 damn years old. I should have other things to worry about besides acne. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. I have good months, ok months and extremely bad months. I realize my inability to relax about my skin is one of the things that keeps it from healing. But I'm convinced that's not the only cause. I've spent the better part of the last 12 years researching, experimenting and trying just about everything out there in an attempt to clear my skin. Here is just a glimpse:

  • Pro Active
  • Skin ID Neutragena
  • Regular Esthetician (painful hour long treatments of extractions, needles and chemicals) visits
  • Chemical peels
  • Micro
  • Vitamins
  • Diet (No coffee, large amounts of green tea, no dairy)
  • Cleanses (pills, shakes, fasting)
  • Retin A
  • Prescriptions (tetracyclene, doxycyclene - all that come with wonderful side effects like yeast infections)
  • Thousands of dollars in facial scrubs, acids, and benzoil peroxides.
  • Baking Soda wash
  • Moisturizers 
  • Dermatologist - Must confess I don't go regular because I HATE The way they make me feel and they treat my acne like a freakin teenager. HELLO I'm 30 not 15 and Retin A is not going to clear my skin.  
With each attempt, some things lightened the acne, NOTHING seems to clear my skin to where I want it and with each failed attempt my emotional roller coaster is killing me from the inside out. Here are just a few way acne takes over my life
  • I DO NOT leave my house with out make up on. 
  • I can only use a certain type of make up (mineral powders, etc)
  • I wash my face twice a day
  • White pillow cases and wash every week
  • I don't touch my face during the day
  • I don't like it when the kids or Cory touch or kiss my face :( All I can think is the possible germs that are going to cause another breakout
  • I spend hours in the mirror sometimes picking, sometimes tearful. 
  • I have to sometimes put ice on my face to relieve the large painful nodules of acne
  • When I'm in the shower washing my face, I feel all the bumps and get tearful. I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like to have smooth skin. 
  • I feel like my acne is all people see - It's all I see. 
  • If I'm talking to you, chances are I'm looking at your skin. Constantly comparing my skin to others. 
I've been researching drastic approaches to acne for women my age. I've made an appointment with a new OB/GYN to get  hormone testing done. I am a true believer that my acne is from the inside and something is not right. I also found I have several other symptoms
  • Facial Hair - Ok, seriously I wax my chin at least once a week. It's effin ridiculous
  • Lack of sex drive - this does not do wonders to the marriage my friends
  • Mood swings
  • Lack of appetite
  • Depression
  • Lack of hair growth where it should actually be growing
I go in September for testing and I'm hoping to find something there. Maybe I can find out the root cause and help cure my disease. Yes, chronic acne is a disease. I also went to see my dermatologist and had a tearful heart to heart. Basically I described all the things above and simply stated, I can't do this any more. I want to be put on Accutane. I'm done having babies, Cory's had a vasectomy and I'm already on birth control to help my skin. There's no reason not to try - well maybe other than the side effects. 

I have to take blood tests every 30 days before I can get my RX, I have to stay out of the sun. It will dry me up so bad I probably won't be able to wear contacts, I'll have to have another prescription to help with my dry lips. My face will get bright red and worse before it gets better. I'll be on Accutane for 6 months. From what I've researched, women my age on the drug had a high percentage of success. Some women said they couldn't believe they waited so long and a few 20% said they had no success. I talked with my doctor and with the combination of hormone therapy and accutane I should see dramatic results. Well, this drama queen is past READY for results. Worse case scenario I might have to do a few rounds before I see my skin where I want to see it. 

One thing I can't believe is how much it takes to get the damn drug in the first place. I have to sign a contract stating I'm on two forms of birth control. Apparently husbands vasectomy doesn't count so I have to sign I'm on a oral contraceptive as well as condoms. After my first blood/pregnancy test, I wait 31 days then have another blood test. Then I have 7 days to get my RX or I have to start all over again. I have to notify my DR if I have 
  • Migraines - Apparently it could cause swelling of the brain
  • Stomach aches
  • Muscle/Joint aches
  • dizzy spells
  • Psychosis
  • Thoughts of suicide
To some, and even reading it back to myself seems over the top. I mean who in their right mind would go through all of this? Well, the simple answer to that question is me. I would. I am so unhappy in my own my skin and have been for so long. I think that is why I put so much into everything else about me. I spend money on clothes to look my best, to be in style. I spend time every morning on my hair, make up, overall appearance to take away the focus of my skin. I work hard to be great at everything to compensate for something I have no control over. 

So, here's to another chapter and hopefully a different ending than all the others. I will not be posting pictures of my face. I hate it enough in real life, I don't need to see it on a computer screen. And, if my skin does clear I don't want to be reminded of how horrible it was before. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


It seems like life lately has thrown a lot of curve balls our way. With all the years we've spent together, we have sure had our share of up's and downs. Life isn't always what I planned, but the piece I hold on to for dear life is the friendship and love I share with this man. When days are so hard I feel like I simply can't put one more foot in front of the other or I wonder what else could possibly go wrong, I come home to this smiling face. He wraps me in his strong arms and holds me tight. 

Someday, we'll look back on these days and laugh. We'll know these are the days that made us stronger, humble and thankful for the easy times. 

Cory works so very hard for his family, sometimes day and night. He would give anything so we don't go without. We've made some decisions over the years that weren't always the best and it seems like we'll be paying for them forever. 

This post is sort of a ramble, but I just wanted to write how much I love my husband. He's got a long road in front of him over the next few months and I'll be by his side 100%. At the end of the day, when nothing else has gone right...we'll always have each other. 

♥I love you♥

Monday, August 6, 2012


We headed to the Pioneer Days Rodeo for our second year, my good friend Jaimie and her Hubby always help us get tickets. This year, we even talked Dad into going!! It was an eventful night when Casey decided to get a case of the squirts right as we were waiting for our tickets. Attempting that in an out house is NOT  something I'd recommend. 

We passed the time with pictures, leave it to my boys to find the anatomically correct horse and THEN touch his parts just to make sure they were attached. 

Casey finished the moment by yelling, 'Look Dad, it has a W-E-I-N-E-R!'

The Green Family 2012
(A family portrait the truly captures our life!)

We made it through the entire Rodeo, with a few bumps and bruises from Mom when their little ears just couldn't listen! But overall, we had a great time with friends. Barrel Racing is my favorite and something high on my bucket list is to one time perform in a rodeo on a barrel horse. Yes, I realize I'm 31 and I'm not giving up hope yet!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Casey turns 3!

We had a great time this year for Casey's birthday. Some days I can't believe he's already 3 and others I can't believe it's ONLY been three years since we welcome this sweet beautiful baby into our home. We had two family parties, the Kellerstrass side we celebrate Kayli Jo's (24th) and Casey's (26th). Then we had the Green/Stanley side over. 

We also headed to Chucky Cheese on the big day just the four of us for some family time. Casey seemed to have a great time on all three days we celebrated, and I can say another successful year down!

Opening up presents with Mom, you can see I was much more enthusiastic about clothes than Mr. Casey was. Ü 

Laurie and James, you'd never guess they've been married 15 years and have teenage twin boys. It could be 16 years, I've lost count. 

 I just love his beautiful face. Not sure what face I'm pulling!

 Casey spreading the kisses around to Grandpa Gary  and Ma Jo to say thanks for his Sponge Bob backpack and ball

 Can't leave out Great Grandpa Earle!

 Miss Kayli Jo. 
She got money from everyone to get an iPod touch

 Aunt Lisa helping to hold Casey up while we sang Happy Birthday!

Jayden living out his dreams like his mommy of one day owning our own real life horse!
Daddy and Casey stand off 

 Celebrating with the Stanley's. Maizey was having fun swimming and supervising the presents. 
(Please take note of the hat in both pictures. I'm currently hating my face and hair. That's a future post to come)
Ha ha. Oh Silly Grandpa Denny, got Casey a card for his 4th Birthday..we'll save it for next year! 

 Can never go wrong with some cash!

 Between Sponge Bob packback and ball then the Ford F150 Raptor..the two most favorite gifts. He's been riding in it non stop since his birthday! And constantly fighting brother on who gets to drive. Pretty sure my grass and dogs will never be the same. 

 Maizey thinking..'Um, where is the exit to this crazy ride!'

Happy birthday baby boy! Your family loves you so very much, I couldn't imagine life without my cuddly little babycakes. You make me smile, laugh and sometimes wonder with the crazy things that come out of your mouth. I hope you know how loved you are, each and every day. 

We are truly blessed to have our boys healthy, happy and home. 

Casey Lake Green
7lbs 9oz 22 inches long

Casey/6 Months

Casey One

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