Friday, January 28, 2011

And you thought the butt dialer was good.....

Earlier this month, someone made a mistake and dialed my work phone by accident leaving a wonderful message behind. I believe Karma may be knocking at my door.

Buckle your seat belts, hang on tight and enjoy the laughs at MY expense this time! Only one rule while reading this blog....NO JUDGING. Ok judge, who am I kidding...I've probably judged you Ü

Tuesday night, Cory and I had indulged in some parental extra curricular activities. For those that didn't catch that, I'll spell it out (S.E.X.) The next morning, while Jayden is watching cartoons in our bedroom, he comes into the bathroom and says 'Mommy, why are Daddy's panties under his PILLOW???'

I said 'Oh that silly Daddy, they must have fallen out of the laundry basket.' (Yes, I was proud of myself for the quick response)

I text Cory to tell him that his eldest child wants to know why his panties are under his pillow, he responds 'LOL, what did you say?'

So, being the naughty sexting kitten that I am, I write a funny little message that reminds him of some comments he made last night and there may have been a message of orders to 'drop his panties'.

I don't hear back from Cory which I thought was strange because I thought he'd send me his own little naughty message. He gets busy in the mornings some days at work so I chalked it up to that.

Fast forward 2 hours.

I'm at my desk at work and a text comes through. From my House Keeper.

'Um, did you mean to send me that text?'

I did NOT send a text to her today...panic starts to set in...No. It can't Be. I check my sent messages. Cory didn't respond to the dirty message because I sent the dirty text message to my House Keeper. Yes, that's right, the freakin House Keeper.


My face went about 10 shades of red and I text back to tell her I was mortified and so embarrassed and that I was very sorry! She seemed to understand and text back this,

'That's ok! I just figured whomever it was meant for would want to read that punchline!'

Why the hell am I even allowed to touch technology..don't ask me, I have NO idea. I think I can add this to my top 10 list of most embarrassing moments of my life. This is even worse than when I was typing something mean about someone at work and SENT the message to the very person I was talking about!

Now, let's ponder the positives.

1. It wasn't a picture. (I'd had to fire her ass for sure if it would've been a picture. And, don't tell me you've never done it or thought about it...LIARS)
2. It didn't go to my boss or a co-worker
3. It was more explicit lyrics...believe me, of all the qualities Cory and I have as a couple, entertaining each other while we're away and keeping the bedroom life alive is NOT one of our problems!)

Alright, now that you've read my story and you laughed and judged...the least you can do is leave me a comment!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

What we've been up to...

We try to have Grandpa over once in awhile, this time I decided to put him to work! Here he is helping me and Jayden with Sticky Buns.
Jayden's gourmet ribs & rice, salad and his favorite hot cocoa after helping Dad in the garage.

Casey's been up to all kinds of trouble, here is his latest invention to turn on/off the lights a hundred times. I'm pretty sure the neighbors think we're sending Morris Code.

A regular occurrence on Mondays. How many monkey's can fit in a chair?
My niece got an e-mail account through school. The first day I got about 18 messages from her, it's funny to see her messages and trying to decipher the code. Here is the latest
'kimmy my mom gust got a lleeckerir fiyswoter it is cool but when the bugs die it stinks up the house'

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Naughty Bugs

Over the course of the last 5 years, my dearest Jayden has been giving many nicknames. One of those nicknames is Bug. This will come in handy for the rest of the story.

In usual Jayden fashion, he's been struggling behaving with the nanny. Last week was a particular hard week for many reasons, Jayden included. Monday night, I was laying in bed with him and I said,

'Bug, I really need you to be good tomorrow for Ariel.'

He seemed to ponder this for a bit and then said

'But what if I can't keep them in?'

Not quite sure what he was talking about, I took the bait and asked 'Keep what in?'

'My naughty bugs Mom. What if they sneak out?'

Laughing now, I tickle him and say 'How about you just keep those bugs inside you!'

He takes in a big sigh like he's pondering the ways of the world and finally says 'Ok, I'll try.'

Fast forward Tuesday night on my way home from work, I called Cory. Jayden had been ok, but was in timeout when he got home from work. So, Jayden gets on the phone.

'Hi Mom, one got out.'

I know there are a lot of things I need to be better at as a mother, but sometimes, even when he's being naughty, I love that little stink to pieces. Because for better, for worse and no matter what ~ He's Mine!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Things that make you go Hmmmm...

So, the big NUMBER is fast approaching this year. Yes, the one where I'm no longer considered to be in my 20's but now in the popular 30's. My friends are slowly all becoming victims of this life event.

I've spent the better part of the last 5 years thinking of all the ways I could bring in my 30th birthday. For some reason, this feels like a huge milestone or destination that is slowly approaching. I've turned the corner and the speed is picking up. Almost like I've come over the top of a huge hill and now, no matter how much I stall, it's the downhill approach and gravity is rapidly pulling me.

I've contemplated all the things I could do to celebrate this milestone. Parties, maybe taking time to remember my last 30 years. Of all the things I've thought about, I secretly like to be surprised too.

Cory knows this fact about me and he's started to plan. I know this because I told him the other day of something I was thinking about buying for my 30th and he got this look on his face. He said, "Before you start making big plans, just know I've spent your birthday money. It's a big year, so I wanted to do something special." Then knowing my brain, he added "No, it's not a big diamond or a trip somewhere." Hey, a girl can dream right?

I wonder if he said that to throw me off. I asked if I should start tanning, or if I needed to take time off work. Thinking it might be a trip somewhere. He kept saying 'maybe, or possibly'. I LOVE to be surprised, but I also love to guess which drives my husband INSANE. He always says "If you love surprises so much WHY do you keeping giving me opportunities to mess it UP?!"

Poor Cory, how does he put up with a girl like me?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The ever infamous.....BUTT DIALER

I've been off work for the last week with the kids while Cory was gone. I neglected to change my voicemail at work to say the dates I'd be away and to let members know I wouldn't be returning phone calls.

Back in the saddle this morning, I'm listening to messages. 2 from the same member frantic that I haven't returned his calls to solidify his car loan before he goes out of town, 1 hang up and then 1 message that will be forever engraved in my mind.

I hear some footsteps, a weird rustle and then a very clear sound of someone peeing. You know it's a man because of how loud the peeing is. I'm thinking to myself, oh dear! I thought that'd be the worst of it..butt no!

I continue to listen, (why not I thought to myself!) It was rather intriguing. I was thinking maybe I'd hear him say 'Oh Shit!' when he realized the phone had called me. Butt no! Instead, the urine fountain had finished, you can hear the toilet flush, a rustle again which I'm assuming is the zipper from B.D.'s pants (Butt Dialer)

Then, something horrific and hysterical happened. There is a brief moment of silence...then...

RRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP......the loudest freakin fart EVER recorded on a answering machine. I mean, the phone had to be in this guys back pocket or he may have had to check his pants after that bodily function!

I was shocked, I let out a gasp of laughter and disbelief all at the same time. I could just imagine this guy after a nice long pee, walking to the door of whatever bathroom he was at, pausing and lifting his leg for some much needed relief thinking he was all alone!

Now, I did what any self respecting person would do. I checked the caller ID. It was the same member who had called me two times before that! Then, I did the second best thing and let everyone in my office listen to it! There is no way people would believe me without hearing this! Then, I forwarded it to several peoples voice mails at AFCU! Ü

Let me tell you, as soon as I figure out how to record it onto my cell phone then post in on my blog... it will be done. So, let this be a lesson to all of us. By all means before you enter any toilet facility, or think you might be alone to 'relieve' yourself...always and I mean ALWAYS check to ensure you haven't BUTT DIALED your loan officer!!

Ha ha ha ha...yes I'm still laughing.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Splittin the ShEeTs...

No...not Cory and I, were you nervous?!

Today was our usual Monday, picked up Harry & Alison in the AM. Had breakfast, dressed the kids and headed to take Jayden to school. I did the normal chores, finished the laundry, cleaned up toys and got dinner in the crock pot.

I decided with it being so cold, I'd take the kids to McDonald's to run out some energy before nap time. After I carried my 30 lb starving baby back and forth to fill up drinks, get happy meals and set up the table for 4 crazed children to eat and run for 60 minutes, I happened to hear the couple next to me.

They were highlighting dates on calendars and I could hear them talking about holidays and birthdays. There was a little girl running to and from their table, and I realized they were deciding how to split custody of the little spitfire who was successful in slapping both Jayden and Harrison right in the eyeball. In light of their conversation I decided NOT to give them a lesson on how to teach their child not to hit others.

As they highlighted the dates, you could sense some tension but rather civil I would think. They talked about rules when each had their turns, like if the daughter wanted to talk to the other parent during the away time they should let her and what times they would do pick up and drop off. When it was time for the mom to leave, they each signed their calendars. Mom picked up the little girl and said 'I love you, give mommy a kiss I will see you on Thursday.' When the mom left, the dad picked up his cell phone and said to whoever was listening 'We're done.. yeah it went ok. She caved and gave me the dates I wanted and her birthday!'

I know it wasn't my place to listen, but I did. I felt so lucky to have Cory and share our lives together with our kids. I've gone through divorce and it's hard enough without children. Cory was gone all last week and it's lonely being a single parent. The kids missed Cory so much and I did too. Snow blowing the driveways, dinner/dishes/bath time all by myself. So many things I take for granted with Cory. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and it's so true. I know I'm going to LOVE him being home and back to normal routine. I'm so lucky to have the love of my husband and the great life we share. So glad that I don't have to kiss Jayden & Casey and say 'See you on Thursday' each week.

Funny how a simple trip to McDonald's can give you an opportunity to be reminded of the simple pleasures in life.
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