Thursday, March 25, 2010

Save the Drama for yo Mama!

I've decided I need to quit the bitchin complaining (I'm turning a new leaf)
I got off work early today and I took the boys to the Clearfield Aquatic Center to run out some energy and just have fun. I took my nephew Cole to help entertain Jayden, and how could I just take Cole and not Jayden's partner in crime...Harrison.

We played for about an hour and it was GREAT! Jayden and Harrison swam out their energy, we went down the slide and Casey drank about 10 gallons of pool water. I figure he might like it, because he loves the bath so much...I was right! He splashed around, loved watching the lifeguards and was mumbling up a storm.
After we exhausted our energy, (ok I was the only one.) we picked up some pizza and headed home. It was a wonderful way to end the afternoon and it was so nice to get some quality time with the boys during the week. Sometimes I forget, Jayden needs space and time to be a boy.

I figure it was a successful trip because Jayden didn't tell the life guards to 'F~off!' Ü




Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Calling all Mothers...

H.E.L.P.

Remember how frightened I was when the dresser fell? Or when I wasn't quite sure what to say when Jayden told me it moved? I know, let's remember the day he decided to fertilize his room.

Add those all up together and you'll have what I like to call Mommy's tapping out!

I GIVE UP!

Let me share with you the events of tonight.

I leave work to pick up the boys from Diane's (Mother inlaw) I walk in and instead of the 'Leave it to Beaver' welcome you've all seen on T.V. and dreamed about, I get Jayden whining 'MOMMMMM! You're not supposed to come, I want DADDY!!'

I attempt to visit with Diane and finally tell Jayden to get his shoes on

'No! I don't WANT to.'

As I politley tell my son to get his shoes on before he gets a spank, he sticks his tongue out at me. Alright, fine..to the corner for 4 minutes!

We have an OK ride home, I'm getting dinner ready. Jayden spots my Samoa cookies in the pantry and I tell him he has to eat all of his dinner before he can have one. As he walks out of the kitchen with his toddler attitude he says

...wait for it...you'll never believe me...

'Oh my Ducking God Mom!' Only replace the D with a F!
HE IS FOUR YEARS OLD PEOPLE.

I have a moment where I just stand in disbelief. Jayden stares at me with disbelief like he can't believe what he just said either. I march him to the bathroom where for the first time in my mother career I take a bar of soap to his mouth.

"Do we say that word Jayden?"

He is screaming NO the entire time.

"Why did you say that?"

"I DON'T KNOW MOM!!!'

He is just crying the entire time. I'm about to cry. How did I end up here?

Needless to say, he ate dinner and went straight to bed. At 7:00 PM.

As I ate dinner in silence with Casey staring at me like 'Who are you PSYCHO mom?'

What a case of self reflection. I don't feel like I have a horrible mouth on me. I know I've never used a sentence like that. Have I used that word, yes. Am I proud of that no. I've done my very best NOT to use that language in front of Jayden. It's usually in a fit of frustration that I've used it, but not towards anyone.

I'm not doing good enough.

I can't believe I'm the kind of mother who's 4 year old knows that word.

He's used that word one other time that I know of. He said it in front of my friend who was watching him. When she asked him where he'd heard it, he told her his teacher says it all the time. He goes to CHS a christian school. I have a hard time believing they've said it there.

Any advice, I'm at a loss.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My last first kiss...

Today, Cory and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. I thought in honor of the occasion, I would get back in touch with my writing skills and share our first date, 6 years ago on March 23rd.

Three weeks after I kicked asshole my ex-husband out, Cory and I had spoken a few times. Right as I was leaving the divorce attorney's office, I got a message from Cory.

'Hey Kim, this is Cory. Just wanted to see what you were up too, Vanessa called and wanted to see the Chopper so I was looking for an excuse not to see her. I thought maybe we could do dinner or something, but if you're busy I understand.'

My heart was racing...did I just get asked out on a date?! I hadn't been on a date in 7, yes 7 years! I don't even know what a date is. I laughed with butterflies in my stomach because you could tell he was nervous to ask. Could I actually go on a date with Cory? He's been my friend for 8 years, dated my best friend through High School and is my ex's boss.

I always knew Cory liked me, we've double dated, went on bike trips together with my ex and who ever Cory was dating at the time. There was always some innocent flirting and for some reason he was the only man who made my ex jealous.

I dialed his number, and as I heard the line ringing, my heart was beating even faster.

'Hello' Oh dear god! He answered.

'Hey Cory, I just got your message.' After some small talk, I could tell he wasn't going to bring up dinner. What the hell, I thought why not? 'So, (pausing as my stomach turned) you mentioned dinner?'

'Yeah, but only if your free.'

Free? Dear God, for the first time in my life, I'm REALLY free. 'I'm totally free'.

I hung up the phone only to realize I had an hour to prepare for my first date in seven years and what ended up being my last first date. I called my friend Kallie to tell her about it and she was excited for me. As I waited for him to pick me up, so many thoughts ran through my mind. Is this too fast? Does he really like me? Could anyone like me after I've been used?

When Cory arrived, all of sudden I saw him in a different light than before. He was so handsome. Conversation that came easy before, was slow and stuttering now. Those first date jitters took our friendship to another level.

He took me to Bucca Di Pepo in SLC. We talked a little about the divorce on the way to dinner, but I decided to focus on other things. At dinner, Cory was such a gentleman. Something I was not used to. We laughed, there were a few silent moments. Mostly, he wanted to know how I was doing and to let me know he was there for me. He mentioned dinner was two friends chatting, my response was 'No matter how you look at it, this is a date!' Which made him smile, his smile made me melt. He was flattering, telling me how he'd dreamed of this date for the last 8 years. That he'd be whatever I needed him to be.

It was heavy conversation for supposedly two friends, but it came easy with us, even from day one. On the way home, we flirted some more. I joked and asked 'How am I supposed to end this night? A kiss on the cheek or do I invite you in? Slowly, Cory reduced his speed. He was nervous.

All of sudden he was sharing his feelings with me he'd had for a long time. He also said he didn't want to rush it, whatever this was between us. He told me I was special, and that he'd been looking for someone like me his whole life.

We finally got back to my house, I sat on the porch and smoked a cigarette. (Yes, I did smoke once and no Cory didn't like it! 5 years clean today)

"This is crazy! We've been friends for so long. What if we ruin it?"

Cory didn't say much. I invited him in. We got to the top of the stairs and we looked in each other's eyes. We moved closer together, I was so nervous. I wanted to kiss him but I didn't dare. Finally, I moved in for the kiss, somehow on the way, I landed on his neck. Such a DORK! But, it didn't seem to bother Cory.

Finally our lips met. It was the sweetest, most exciting first kiss I'd ever had. Cory pulled me into him as our lips continued to explore...I knew at that moment, it was the beginning. The start of something special, finally with someone I was meant to be with. I knew that God had blessed my broken road to lead me straight to Cory.

Needless to say, he's been sweeping me off my feet ever since that first day. From the first moment I told Cory I was free...we've never looked back. 6 years, 2 beautiful boys and more memories than I can count, here were are.

P.S. Were you nervous this was going to turn into an X rated post?!
Seriously people...have you no shame?!

LuCkY To Be.......yOu!!

Last night as I was taking my 57 questions of hell my exam, there was a knock on the door. When I answered, it was my neighbor Jill.

Jill lives right behind us and her daughter, Josie has been babysitting Jayden for the last 3 years. I'm pretty sure when it comes to neighbors they are the NICEST possible. Jill is very caring and sweet, even when we didn't know each other well, she's one of those people you could talk to like a therapist and not even know it. She was the first one over the fence when the Hill's lost their daughter.

Jill is so genuine and never judges. In fact, Jill along with the Hill's have given my husband new hope that not all Mormon's who aren't related to you are judgemental and look down on you. (We're the family that is doing yard work or working on cars when the entire neighborhood comes home from church) She supported me while I attempted to go back to church and supported me while I decided maybe it wasn't right for me right now.
Anyway, she brought me a cute little clover magnet with a note that said 'Lucky to Be...YOU!' It was a message from Marjorie Hinckley, and while although a majority of my readers are NOT religious, I thought the message was worth sharing no matter your faith:
"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable to us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are. ~ Marjorie Pay Hinkley
I'm not sure about you, but I know I have A LOT to learn when it comes to being content with I am.

Tell me what you think?! Can we be content with who we are and if so, ARE YOU???
C'mon, leave a comment instead of blog stalking surfing!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Attention Readers: Please buckle your seat belts, keep your arms and legs in the ride at all time

~ It’s about to get REAL!

The last few weeks I’ve had several people ask me ‘How do you do it?’
Do what you ask?! Don’t worry, I wasn’t sure either.
Apparently I’ve given off the impression that I have things under control and I’m 100% organized Ü

My response to that is GOTCHA! I’m a MESS, WRECK, well I’m like most women out there.

But really, women, myself included like to hear from others how they manage this thing called life. Here is my reality.

We all know that I have a tight schedule, work 40 hours a week, full time school, and oh yeah I have two kids and a hubby at home…and let’s not forget ME!

In my mind, it’s all about juggling, prioritizing and sacrifices.

I work Tuesday – Friday 8:30 am – 6:30 pm, Saturdays 8:30-3:30 pm. During those days, my kids are split between my sister, nanny, a friend and the hubster. I get up EARLY (most days) have 10-15 minutes before Jayden gets up to drink a cup of coffee and catch up on face book and blogs. I get myself ready, while Jayden watches cartoons and then it’s his turn. I have the nanny come and get the kids on her days so I don’t have to drive them back and forth. Cory gets the kids around 4:30 pm and entertains them until I get home; we have dinner, bath time, bedtime and then mommy and daddy TV time (otherwise known as foreplay).

Saturdays, I usually spend time with the kids and ignore my dirty house. Occasionally, I’ll get most of my house work done on Saturdays so I can have ALL day Sunday to have family time and homework time. Cory is usually working a project for family or on trucks and Jayden loves to tag along so me and Casey get some one/one time.

I do school in between and all around whenever I can.

Mondays, I have all the kids Jayden, Harrison, Ally and Casey so it’s pre-school runs, lunch, naptime and then Laurie comes for her two. I usually can get some homework or laundry done while they nap. I do little things during the week to keep up on my housework. I split my cleaning every other week. One week I do a light cleaning and the next I do deep cleaning (scrub bathrooms, etc)

I’ve been asked how I find time to do things for myself…well ladies, I MAKE time. You’ve got to make it a priority at some point. It helps me feel refreshed, relaxed, a better mom and sexier for the hubster.

I get my nails done early before work, I will usually eat on the run to get a tan in on my lunch hour. Nothing feels better than being in a cocooned heater with SILENCE for 10 minutes. On the weeks I need my hair done, I do it early Saturday mornings on my way to work.

Of course, I wouldn’t be able to do all of this without CORY. He is amazing at helping and stepping up with the kids, especially since I’ve been in school. HE gives me the confidence I need so badly that I can do the things I’m doing.

Are there days when I struggle? YES. Am I exhausted most days? YES. Is it worth it? I sure hope so.YES.

I realize I’m an OVER ACHIEVER. I look back at my life and the years I wasted just BEING and not DOING. I want my boys to look at their mom as someone they respect and can be proud of. I never want to regret NOT doing something when I know I have the POTENTIAL to succeed. I love to push myself. It’s like a drug.

I go back and forth, some days I feel so guilty for not making more family time. I question if I should just quit work and be a stay at home mom to raise MY kids instead of everyone else. Other days, I’m pretty sure my boys are better off being raised by the village than just me.

I do know these things:
1- Come May 1st when I’m walking across the stage to get my Bachelor Degree and hopefully speaking at the commencement, I can hold my head high.
2- When I hold my kids, love them, kiss them, hug them and laugh with them ~ they know they have a mom who loves them and is so proud to call them mine.
3- I have a husband who is proud of me, loves me, WANTS me and we cherish the times (no matter how few they are some days) we have to be together.
4- I am respected at my job and can be counted on
5- I have a 3.76 GPA (damn you math classes)
6- I have a close circle of friends whom I admire, trust and respect
7- I AM BLESSED

So, I hope this gives you a glimpse into my life ~ whether you wanted it or not!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I thought I'd lost him...

The last couple of days, (ok who am I kidding ~ the last 4 years), we've struggled with Jayden. Recently, he's having a hard time with being GOOD...at all. He's naughty at school, with the nanny, with Cory and I.

After a bad report from pre-school yesterday, we told him 'Jade, you're naughty today and you'll spend the rest of the day in your room.' He replies 'Ok, Mom'

So, we get a report from the nanny ~ NAUGHTY.

Cory leaves him in his room until I get home from work, we load the kids in the car and run an errand, he goes back into his room when we get home until dinner. While I'm holding Casey and getting the rice ready, Cory walks into the bedroom to change into his comfy's and I hear a loud CRASH from Jayden's room and then silence.

I go running with Casey in my arms, my heart starts beating faster because I still can't hear Jayden. I run into his room to find his TALL dresser tipped over by the bed and I can't see Jayden.

Heart beating faster, all of theses images of mom's that lose their kids in tragic events.

He's under the dresser

I scream..CORY CORY!!! and then I yell JAYDEN, JAYDEN!!

Casey is now screaming in my arms because I've scared him. I can hear Cory running down the hall.

I'm trying to lift up the dresser and drawers that are all fallen out. The whole time I'm thinking, he's knocked out, he can't breathe under there, oh please God, I can't lose my son.

All of sudden, Cory comes in and grabs Casey still screaming in my arms and that's when I see it.

Movement in the closet, blond hair. Jayden

He WAS IN THE C~L~O~S~E~T the whole time. Is it wrong that the moment I knew he was ok, I wanted to STRANGLE him and KISS him all at the same time?!

I was shaking so badly, I almost started to cry and throw up all at the same time. I've never been so terrified in my life.

There is no fear like that of a mother who's child is in danger.

My heart has almost gone back to normal beating. I'm pretty sure I was close to cardiac arrest at age 29.

Even though he is naughty 99.9% of the time, I love him.

I love him so much, and I thought I'd lost him.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

What lies beneath...the bathroom sink.

What you're about to read is very disconcerning. Please ~ don't judge me



After 4 weeks of being at the branch, working Saturdays, doubling up on classes to finish on time and Cory busy with his projects..exhausted hardly covers it. I decided this afternoon that my house had taken the back seat long enough and I was going to pick ONE thing to clean, organize and make over. My poison of choice...the bathroom sink/drawers.



Some of you may be familiar with my disease...I'm a shopaholic and I'll try almost any kind of hair/face/lotion/make up product you can think of. I've struggled with acne since my early twenties (yes, TWENTIES..cruel isn't it?) So, I'm always looking for new products with that miracle cure. Once I buy an item, if I don't like it, I struggle with throwing it away. Which is surprising because I have no issues throwing anything else in the house out. Maybe I might want to try it again, maybe when my favorite product runs out, I can use this in an emergency. What if it miraculously turns into my favorite product after being under the sink for a year? I think I'm a bathroom HOARDER.



Knowing full well what lies before me, with garbage bag in tow, I enter the bathroom. I get a sense of panic that I'm starting a project I won't be able to finish before Casey wakes up from his nap. One by one, I take the bottles out and inspect the contents. Body wash, lotions galore, face products. Half empty hair styling products, jewelry that has escaped my jewelry box. (yes, I keep that under there as well). I start throwing them away, some so old that the ingredients have separated. As I examine each one, I ask myself 'will I need this in 6 months'? Mostly I answer no. I reluctantly keep two or three bottles of lotion, but this time I've organized corners of my cupboard. Lotions and sunless tanning lotions together, hair products in the other corner. I'm feeling accomplished already.

I move on to my jewelry box. I own a ENORMOUS amount of jewelry. I think I'm going to have Cory build me some kind of jewelry box where I can see each piece. Right now my necklaces abundantly fill the space given and I found myself sorting jewelry I forgot even existed! It was almost like Christmas.

With so much progress, I really can't stop. I move on to my make up. Seriously...this was therapeutic. At the end of the two hours, my drawers (not to be confused with my under-drawers) and my cabinet are organized. I have a full garbage bag of old cosmetics, hair products and lotions...and even some jewelry...listen it was VERY old and tarnished.

So at least for now, I'm fully aware of what lies beneath the bathroom sink.
 
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