Monday, August 17, 2009

Confessions of a new mom...

I bet you all thought that my pity party posts would be over by now, right?! Wrong! Let me share some more..
I don't remember getting post partum depression with Jayden, but I'm pretty sure I have just a 'touch' of it this time. I'm really struggling with nursing Casey, he is such a great is all his mom this time. It seems so funny, with Jayden all I wanted him to do was nurse and he fought me so hard on it and with Casey - all he wants to do is nurse and I just can't seem to find that same connection I had with Jayden. I'm not sure if it's because I'm being selfish and just want my body back, after 9 months of pregnancy and all the trauma of delivery and now being tied to nursing EVERY two hours.
To make matters worse, I had a really sore clogged duct that about killed me every time he would eat...seriously felt like hot liquid magma. With some help from my sister and a special blessing I was able to work through that, now just for continuing with nursing. I fight back and forth with it, I nursed Jayden until he was 6 months old and if I don't do that with Casey, am I taking away from him? There have been a lot of tears and hours spent pondering, so I decided yesterday 'That's it! I'm done!' I gave him formula all day yesterday and pumped (just not as often, getting ready to bind them up) Well, last night he had such an upset stomach that he was up ALL night long.
So - I have a fussy baby that I made that way from switching his diet, a husband who is upset in the bed because he has to get up at 4:30 am and is getting no sleep and I have no sleep which makes me very impatient with Jayden in the morning. All I want is to be back to NORMAL with our two boys!
Cory doesn't think it's fair that I stop nursing so early, especially with Casey's belly. He never spit up breast milk - but that's all he does with formula. As I laid in bed early this morning, I succumbed to my guilt and latched Casey on. It made me cry, he nuzzled right into me and his whole body relaxed and his eyes closed while he nursed away. (Yes, I'm crying while I type this!) It's so obvious what he needs..what he needs is ME and my body for awhile.
Sometimes the hardest thing about being a mom is making the right decision, no matter how hard or what we give up to do so. It makes me feel like a disappointment to great mom's out there who just give and give with no questions or concern for themselves. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me, I've never been one of those 'natural mother's' whom others envy.
I guess all I can do is be the best mom I know how to be and hope that is enough for Jayden and Casey. Laurie thinks it's too early to decide to be done with kids, but I can tell you right now, two is all for me! Why on earth would I want to torture another little soul?!

Thanks for listening...I'll post some latest pictures so it isn't all sob story on the blog today.


Jones' said...

You are doing a great job. Kids don't come with manuals and no one has all the answers. Sounds like you are figuring things out and Casey is lucky to have a mom willing to change back for his needs.

The Jacobsen's said...

You are a wonderful mother! It will get better, hang in there! Your boys are so lucky to have you.

Kallie said...

You have to do what is best for you and your baby. I was not good at breast feeding on any of my 3 kids. It just didn't seem normal to me, it was very painful. And I didn't feel like I was even bonding with them, since I cried everytime I fed them. I worried my kids wouldn't be smart, or healthy. I think they turned out just fine! The formula just might take a while for him to get use to. Hang in there, everything will work out okay. You are a great mom, and I do envy you as a mother.

Brandon Camille and Milo said...

I know it is hard to imagine but I promise you it will all get better. I remember Milo would nurse seriously every 1 1/2 I thought I was going to go crazy and had MANY sleepless nights. Just remember to take one day at a time. It will get better! You are a great mom and your boys are luck to have you!

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